Can This Person Be Coached?

Coaching someone with narcissistic tendencies. Here’s what I am talking about:

Client Profile: Alex is a Senior Executive at a mid-sized tech company. He is highly ambitious and has a track record of outstanding results. However, several of his direct reports have expressed concerns about his leadership style, describing him as dismissive, overly critical, and unsupportive of their professional development. Alex has been referred to coaching by his CEO, who believes that Alex's leadership could improve with better interpersonal skills.

The coaching session might go something like this:

Coach: "Alex, thank you for taking the time to meet today. Where would you like to start?"

Alex: "Honestly, I'm here because my CEO thinks I need to work on my 'people skills.' But in my opinion, if my team just did their jobs right, there wouldn't be any issues. I don't see why I should have to change when I'm the one getting results."

Coach: "I hear you. You’ve clearly been successful in achieving your goals, and it sounds like you have high standards for your team. What do you think could be different if you were able to enhance your leadership style to help your team meet those standards more effectively?"

Alex: "Well, I suppose if they were more competent, I wouldn’t have to micromanage so much. But I doubt they’ll ever reach my level of excellence."

Coach: "You’ve mentioned micromanaging. What has you thinking need to closely oversee your team’s work?"

Alex: "Because they make mistakes. If I don’t step in, things fall apart. I can’t afford to have their failures reflect poorly on me."

Coach: "It sounds like you’re carrying a lot of responsibility for the team's performance. How does that pressure impact you personally?"

Alex: "It’s stressful, but it’s also necessary. I can’t trust anyone else to maintain the standards I’ve set."

Coach: "That’s understandable, given how much you care about the outcomes. What if we explore ways to empower your team so that they can meet your standards without needing constant oversight? How might that change your day-to-day experience as a leader?"

Alex: (pauses) "It would be nice to not have to watch over everything. But I’m skeptical that they can step up."

Coach: "Skepticism is natural when you’ve been the one ensuring success for so long. What do you think about starting small? What would that look like for you?"

Alex: "Maybe… If I could delegate a bit more and not worry about it, I guess that could free me up to focus on bigger things."

Coach: "I want to acknowledge your insight. Where might you start identifying one area where you can experiment with delegation and see how it goes?"

Feedback:

In this scenario, the coach recognizes Alex's narcissistic tendencies, such as his need for control, skepticism about others' abilities, and focus on how others' failures reflect on him. Instead of confronting these behaviors directly, the coach uses reflective listening and strategic questioning to guide Alex toward recognizing the benefits of change for his own well-being. The coach also frames the development process in a way that aligns with Alex’s desire for success, making it easier for Alex to engage with the coaching process.

This approach allows the coach to work with Alex’s existing mindset while gradually challenging and shifting it toward healthier leadership behaviors.

So, what does a coach need to know to about a client with narcissistic tendencies?

1. Resistance to Feedback:
   • Individuals with narcissistic tendencies may struggle with receiving constructive feedback. They might view criticism as a personal attack, making it difficult to engage in self-reflection or admit areas for improvement.
2. Focus on Self-Image:
   • Narcissistic individuals often have an inflated sense of self-importance and may be more concerned with maintaining a positive self-image than with genuine growth. This can hinder their ability to engage deeply in the coaching process.
3. Lack of Empathy:
   • A hallmark of narcissism is a lack of empathy, which can make it challenging for them to understand or care about the perspectives and feelings of others. This can impact their relationships and leadership style, areas that often come up in coaching.
4. Defensiveness and Blame-Shifting:
   • When faced with challenges or setbacks, they may become defensive, and shift blame onto others rather than taking responsibility. This behavior can stall progress and create a barrier to honest conversations.
5. Manipulative Behavior:
   • Narcissistic individuals may attempt to manipulate the coaching process to reinforce their own beliefs or agenda. As a coach, it’s important to stay aware of this and maintain professional boundaries.
6. Difficulty in Building Trust:
   • Trust-building can be difficult, as they may see the coach as an adversary rather than an ally. Establishing a rapport where they feel safe yet challenged requires patience and consistency.
7. Goal Misalignment:
   • They may set goals that are unrealistic or solely focused on external validation (e.g., status, power) rather than intrinsic growth. Helping them to align goals with deeper values and more sustainable outcomes can be a significant challenge.

Navigating these challenges requires a careful balance of empathy, firmness, and strategic questioning. Learn more about coaching diverse folks in our Coach Credential Prep Course. Next cohort starts September 17th – Check it out.